Hello and Sorry!
Been away for awhile.. Sorry.
My boyfriend visited me last week and he said something that stuck with me.
I was struggeling to eat all the food in my plate, I was full on the half way.. he told me that I didn’t need to finish it. “You don’t need to do anything you don’t want.”
I’ve been raised to eat everything thats given me, do all the jobs i dont want to or necessarily need to do and suffer silently. Don’t do things you want, it makes you a bad person and you seem snobby to the people aound you. Be humble and grateful of what you have. And I understand that to a some point. But I want more.
I don’t want to live my life by others expectation and demands. Mom wants me to be a nurse or personal assistant to disabled. Like she is. But I love library work and libraries. Only reason Im not working in a library right now, is because there is no open jobs. I don’t want to work on a shitty jobs and get more depressed. I have standards, suprising enough, and I want to live.
Money is really tight now, so I’ve been to few interviews to places I think I could work in. Am I happy about it? No. Do I want to eat something else than porridge? Yes.
I want a house, nice big house. The newest Tv and working oven. Not renting, but my own. Well, our own. Clean and pretty walls and working air conditioning. Terrace and flowers and vegetable garden. Be able to cook from nice products and make tasty foods from scratch. Of course I am willing to work for all this. Not on a job that will kill me, though.
All these dreams make me feel awful amount of guilt. My life now is so much better than most peoples lifes. Western safe country. Jobs available, roof over my head and some kind of food in the fridge. The guilt is overpowering. And my parents voices in my head.
But why dont I deserve to have a better life?